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Nandita Kochar

Living in a relationship where your partner and you are not having enough sex already is tough in itself. But living in a society which treats lack of sex as a matter as trivial as not going for yoga on a Monday morning is even tougher. But the matter isn’t as light as it seems. It can actually make or break a relationship.

Take the case of the OECD countries, for instance. 70% of those who filed for divorce cited a lack of sex as the first or the second reason responsible for them parting ways. Well, if there’s one thing we can tell about couples it is that not having enough sex is surely a problem you should not be ignoring.

But why is sex so important for two people?

Because when the lights go dim and you lie in the embrace of your partner, you accept their fantasies, their dirty and shameful side which can only be legitimated through sex. Dirty and shameful they might be for others, but for the one who owns these thoughts, expressing them to another person is extremely intimate. Talking about these thoughts out loud to someone is almost equivalent to getting naked, even more vulnerable actually. And that’s why sex is important for a couple because a lack of it implies that “I cannot entirely be myself in your presence.”

The people who are the first to listen to the sound of the alarm are not likely to communicate the urgency to get into bed. They do not complaint or make eloquent speeches about how difficult they are finding the current situation to be or try to look inside their partner’s mind.

At best, they might make moves to test the waters- by holding hands or caressing hair. If not reciprocated, they might end up breaking dishes or arguing over the most trivial of matters which have nothing to do with absence of sex yet have everything to do with it. Eventually they might go off and have an affair with someone else, not because they do not love their better half but because after such heart-wrenching rejection, it’s time for some revenge.

It’s difficult to discuss this elephant in the room because it feels so shameful to be unwanted sexually. It’s sad when such a scenario takes place on a date, but even sadder when it happens inside the confines of a long term relationship.

The probable solution lies in reigning our fear of rejection or our desire to seek revenge and focusing all our energy on sitting down with a partner and discussing how not looking at the elephant will cost them their relationship eventually.There needs to be proper communication about what each of them desires sexually. One can try writing these things down or talking out loud, whatever feels comfortable. It’s a golden chance to be honest about your true sexual self.

In every relationship, two people will encounter this monster. But we should not lose heart. Rather we should use it as an opportunity to delve deeper into the relationship, to find layers we might not have discovered yet.

 

 

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