The fight may have started with holding your partner accountable for not informing you that she was bringing her friends over or why he left the kitchen tap flowing or why she did not bake the cake he liked or why the child was not picked up from school on time or why he would go to sleep early each night. The list is endless. But at the end of the day the argument is really not about any of these things, it is actually because of you having to live in a no sex relationship.
When we are single, we expect that our needs won’t be met in bed. But when one is in a relationship, the expectation of our needs being met is right out there. So when your partner does not have the time to take you out for a romantic meal or when they refuse to dress up for a party or when they wish to leave early from a social gathering to catch onto some sleep or when they hold your hands for a few mins only to drop them down later or when they show high disinterest in staying up at night, you are likely to feel invalidated. You are likely to question how you dress, what you speak, what moves you make in bed, what you cooked for your partner and its taste and so many more things, you are likely to question your importance in the relationship.
The real injury is not of the running water tap or not picking the child on time, it is of why you are not wanted anymore. The sex may happen once in a blue moon and you are keeping score. You tried getting things heated but they were too tired or sleepy. You may feel like an outcast in your own home, and also in other social settings because such a kind of emotional pain is rarely talked about. So you suffer and also are forced to believe that you are alone in your suffering. You can neither complain nor let the issue go.
Your need to be held, to be smothered, to penetrate or be penetrated is extremely valid. And so you find yourself longing for those little crumbs of touch.
Only if someone taught us how to value our sexual needs as much as our emotional, then we would actually sit down with our partner and let them know what was going on. We would pick the right words to let them know how we feel rejected and alone in a bed with them and how we would love for them to put in some more effort into making us feel validated in our own bodies. Instead of infidelity, breaking things, fighting, blaming, divorcing, separating if we were to choose the talking openly route, things would be much healthier, if not happier.
If we could simply put out our sexual needs, without the guilt, shame or humiliation and seek the help of our beloved partner in fulfilling them.